Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
