____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
