My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
pop tarts are not kleenex
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
