A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Randomize
