you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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