she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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