I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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