one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
