my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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