So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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