I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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