Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
why do cheetos always look like penises
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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