So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
