Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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