32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
