Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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