Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
