Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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