When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
