she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
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