Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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