So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
