please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Randomize
