Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I have aggressive nipples.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
