By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
