I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
