oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
