This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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