You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
