the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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