I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Randomize
