Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
