Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
