I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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