She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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