I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
