I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
