She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
