Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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