Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
