you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
