once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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