Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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