just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Your shirt... Was in my pants
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
