she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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