i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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