im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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