would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
