I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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