My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
