just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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