Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
