So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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