his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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