just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
