So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
