how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I could make wine with my vomit
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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