I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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