just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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